Going From A Young Teenager Gangster Girl To An Adult…
This is just the beginning, this piece is unfinished, but I would love to hear thoughts on it and its my true story.
I sat up and checked the clock, it was about 3am… Nothing unusual to me. For years this had became my nightly routine, I’d finally pass out, to just be awoken a few short hours later by what always seemed like the same voice in my head. My mind was reaching out to me, but I could never put those words to paper. I would lie in bed restlessly, hoping that if enough time passed my eyes would stay closed and drift back to another dream of him.
Sometimes, this method would work as if he was my medication and I’d discovered the perfect dose. Yet, other nights, it felt as though I couldn’t connect the thoughts of him into a dream, those magical, mythical dreams, that I always knew would never come true. But the thought of him and his dark hair and those eyes. Damn those eyes… what was it about him? Why did I feel such a strong connection to someone who I never got the chance to discover.
Now I sound like an Explorer, what am I thinking? Why did I feel so much for someone and why did he never leave my mind? Well, let’s be honest, sometimes if I worked at it hard enough he would escape my mind. Of course that took a lot of desperation on my part. The kind of desperation no one wants to see a girl go through…
It had been years since I’d last sought out a deep desperation to have him escape my thoughts. I never told a single soul my true feelings for him, even when people would notice me staring off with my mystical blue eyes, day dreaming to a dream I’d never think I’d find.
The question I’d finally answered for myself was why I had sometimes so desperately wanted him out of my mind. I had faced the fact that I would always be to broken to even capture that one man’s eyes, and that smile… I wanted his smile to myself. But, I was a lost lonely soul. Still trying to figure myself out, still waging a war against myself, still trying to find myself after the white dust settled, and when it settled, well that was it, I’d finally lost myself completely.
Anyways, enough about the past, I should save that for another time…. so it was 3am, and it had been years since I won the war against myself, since the day I ended the battle of continuously hating myself and drowning in my misery. I had become a sort of new person… in the sense of I could finally, for the first time since I was young, feel actual emotions and care about more than just myself.
I had been thinking of him more and more now, it didn’t have to even be 3am, he would come in my mind on a daily basis and I knew in my heart that it was time, time to contact him and see if he even remembered me, I never felt as though I was that memorable, so I assumed that the conversation would be short and end faster than the way I could down a shot of tequila….
So, I sat down with my phone and knew exactly how to contact him. It wouldn’t be as easy as a quick call or text message, but I prayed and hoped that it would be easy and painless and would give my heart the peace it had so long wanted and grown to believe that that was all I would need. I had come to this point of not expecting anything from anyone, unless of course I wanted to work my ass off for it, and go through anything someone would put in front of me to complete for them… The crazy thing was that to me, tasks like that were simple, they were like little games for me. I’d get to play pretend and get paid to do it, it was a blessing and a curse that I could carry such an innocence with me, yet they all knew I was far from innocent.
Which for some reason, reminds me of the harsh reality of the things I did for people, the simplicity of it all was, that I could put on this like mask, and be completely innocent, but at the same time I was innocent when it all started. I was barely 16, with the attitude of a woman when the first opportunity of this was put in my face by a friend, we can just call him B.
