A Letter: #DearAlmostLove

I’m searching for answers and I can’t seem to figure out where to find them. I don’t know if God is testing me or if I’m blocking my own blessing hanging on to you. I miss you every day and every night. Attachment is real. How do I let go? How do you let go?

I texted you the other day and told you I missed you. I did not hear from you. I waited until 2 am, waiting for you to get off work. Thinking you would come through my phone expressing the same thing. Turns out you’re stronger than me. Turns out that you probably don’t feel the same, that life is probably easier without me. I can only hope but also, I can only wish you needed me back. The truth is, the only person you need right now is God.

Your side of the bed no longer smells like you. I keep hoping it might. I wait all day longing to know if you’ve stopped by the house, maybe to drop off a letter. I anticipate waking up to a text from you that I accidentally missed throughout the night, because you know you have a special vibrate that I wake up to. I wake up sad. Disappointed. Betrayed. Though I turn to God and I still don’t know what to ask him for other than his will.

I’m not sure which direction I’m supposed to go other than I cannot physically, emotionally, or mentally date. At all. I am completely out of sorts. Disoriented at my core. I need healing. So I guess that makes two of us.

I try to be angry with you hoping it’ll make the feelings of missing you, irrelevant. It only makes me break down even more at night when I’m alone. I find myself crying on my runs. As if I could run away from this hurt, it’s there.

Hitting me harder than I thought.